The Woman in Me
Would I ever imagine how I would discover the woman in me?
As a little girl I thought being a woman was all about wearing nice flowery dresses as the ones my beautiful mother used to wear – full of color and positive energy – I also remember that I used to think that a woman was about having excellent manners, portraying oneself as a princess and never letting her dress be unclean. Use red lipstick, body lotions that would leave behind a beautiful scent as vanilla – my mother used to smell like that to me- …. Sit nicely, say ‘Thank you”, be respectful and never let anyone disrespect you …The list could go on, and I am pretty sure you have more to add to the file.
That was my little perfect idea of what a woman was supposed to BE …… Until:
“It was a dark November night in 2003, and the pregnancy test came out with two colored stripes, it confirmed my notion: I was pregnant. As many other teenagers, I found myself in shock, afraid and in denial. Me: pregnant? Me?
I remember the next day I dressed in black, as if someone had died, maybe someone did; I know the little girl in me did. At the time I just had the support of my boyfriend; my mom did not talk to me at all, I could not even tell her the news… I cried.
I cried the next day as well, it was not planned, I had just arrived from Mexico, I had a teenager job, I knew no one, and I felt I had no one… at the same time I felt no one had me.
It was hard to get used to the idea that I was going to be a mother… I was only 19- years-old, for many I was young, for others it was an “ok” age. For me it was as if I would have put my head into a crocodile’s mouth.
In my first sonogram I found out great news, it was going to be a boy. That was the first time I felt something for that baby, I felt love, I felt I could die for him, I saw his little feet moving through the screen, he was mine.. I was his mother… I was his mother… indeed I was.
The sonogram technician also told us bad news; it was a twin pregnancy and one of the babies died at 11 weeks. At that time I was happy about my little boy growing inside me… the bad news did not affect me at all. I am not saying it did not hurt, I would say that I was content about having one instead of none.
I still could not talk to my mom. She was so mad at me – or maybe she was just being so haughty—for leaving home to be with my boyfriend. That it is something I still cannot let go. Not having the only woman you once saw as the glorious role model near you was difficult to deal with. She was not there to guide me when I needed it. I know she had good reasons, but that hurt my heart.
No one in my 19 years of life told me that part of being a woman, was about feeling pain, feeling scared, having trembling times, making decisions. No one told me I was going to cry. No one told me that once I cried, the mascara of my eyelashes would run down with tears. No one told me I was going to fall deep down and feel like not getting up. No one told me I had to believe in myself.
NO ONE TOLD ME IT WAS OK TO MAKE MISTAKES and no one told me a baby will change my life. I had to figure this out as many other women do, some in more hostile circumstances.
Soon came the day, July 3rd, 2004, 8:26 a.m. my baby Leo was born… that exact day the WOMAN IN ME began to arise.
The fighter, the mother, the go getter woman stood within my deepest self. My boy changed the perspective of my world, my life …
That day I decided that I was going to be the best human being I could be, that I was able enough to provide a good example for my bundle of joy, for my little lion.
I started to look for ways to better myself even though I was scared, but I would not be defeated.”
That Saturday morning, I discovered that not only was a baby boy born, but a woman was born at the same time. I then understood that being a woman is not only about portraying oneself as one, but acting like the strong human beings we become.
Since Leo was born, I took the opportunity to embrace that beautiful and powerful woman I was slowly becoming, and I mean powerful in the sense of believing in me, in my inner thoughts, my instincts. I learned to know myself. I learned to make decisions, good and bad.
This experience was all about finding the woman who was going to provide for my son, finding that I was able to accomplish my plans. I had become a teenage mother, and the world looked at it as if I had assassinated somebody, they criticized me with no mercy. It was difficult indeed, but I learned to stand up and fight as many other women do in more severe experiences. I know there are more stories out there and I would love to hear them.
After that July of 2004, I noticed it was time to re- paint the erroneous idea I had about what a woman was about, I repaint it every day since then.
For many, the women within comes in different conditions, under diverse weather, for me it happened in a way that taught me so many lessons, that maybe I could not have learned in any other way, and that completes me… I am still growing and learning about that mystical and beautiful world of Womanhood.
When did you discover the woman in you?